Happy New Year!

To all. :)

I hope that everyone who celebrated Christmas enjoyed it thoroughly, and that everybody got everything they needed and a lot of what they wanted. :)



We / I re-watched a lot of older films last week: 'Rocky', 'Rocky IV', 'From Dusk Til Dawn', 'Shaun of the Dead', and then 'Kill Bill', Volumes 1 and 2 this evening. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed watching The Bride's training with Pei Mei in Volume 2. I can't handle any of the coffin scenes later on. Christ.

And then yesterday, I watched 'Hall Pass'. Don't be like me. I also watched several episodes of 'All in the Family' and 'Little Britain'. 'The Big Bang Theory'. 'LOTR: Return of the King'. All because I woke up New Year's Day deeply depressed. My partner went to ridiculous lengths to assert and confirm his masculine position as Problem Solver. He is, as a man, conditioned to believe that he can solve ALL of the problems of ALL of the women in his household. It annoys me, but it most certainly is not his fault. I am just a depressive, and have been for a long as I can remember. I'm used to it. He's not.

At any rate, I couldn't shake it. All day, I was sullen and quiet and absent. My head hurt. Then it didn't, and I was sure I was feeling better. I came downstairs and cleaned up after everyone else. I didn't even grump very much about that, so I was kind of proud of myself. I made dinner. The headache came back. I made a list of things that bothered me. Poor Problem Solver made the list. The kids did not, even though they're crappy with housework. Also on the list: getting a car, getting more money, getting out of the fucking house more. Writing more. Keeping myself sane in a world filled with people who think they're losing it but they're really just wondering if there shouldn't be more to life in the form of liquid lunches on patios every second day and 24 hour sushi restaurants and free deep tissue massages and deftly engineered mind vacations to balmy climes or drizzly, dank cities far away.*

I lashed out a little at Problem Solver. I didn't sleep more than three hours last night. My mind sped up, then halted. Raced, sputtered, spun out, then stopped. I heard it stop. The clock on my Blackberry is too fucking bright. Problem Solver came to bed. I remember asking about one of the dogs. He found the missing dog. Crawled into bed with said dog. Fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke up to 2012 depressed. I wonder if that's common for some. I ventured into work this morning hating every second of the journey and the prospect of coming back to work. Now that I'm here, I'm really glad. I've come to think (as P.S. half-suggested) that maybe it's industry that I need, not a solid week of wandering around in holey sleep pants, poking at picked-over chocolates and wondering if it's too early in the day to drink something with alcohol in it. Everyone else seems perfectly happy to park themselves for days on end, moving only when a bladder is full or an announcement has been made that food is in the vicinity. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. Not for an entire week, anyway. I was ready for something else around Wednesday the 28th. Sure, it was Christmas. Jesus' birthday. But it's not my birthday and so the easily bored asshole** in me just stops celebrating anything and starts looking for something else. Maybe when there's nothing else and I feel a little stranded, I get depressed.

Anyway. I hope you aren't working today, if that's what you want. I'm kind of glad I am, because that's what I need.

~S

Post-Script: This morning, while I was getting ready for work, I broke my glasses. Right at the bridge. Guess who was ready to get up at 6 a.m. and hunt for Crazy Glue?






* Those are my dreams. You will not shit on them.
**  I must have some form of ADD because I always get bored easily and I leave lots of things unfinished. Then I get all defiant about it, so I must be an asshole.