Academy Awards and Other Awful Things

My prediction is that 'The Descendants' will win. Everyone loves George Clooney, despite knowing full well that no one on the planet buys him as anyone's* any kid's father. I think he dislikes kids. I was thrilled to see that Gary Oldman was shortlisted, but I don't think he likes kids either and I think he'll pay dearly for that.

Melissa McCarthy was nominated for the Best Supporting Actress award. She deserves to win too. The woman is fucking brilliant. Watch 'Bridesmaids', then look at Melissa at any time, think of a sink, and try not to laugh. It's hard to make people feel good, yet very, very easy to make people cry (as human beings have a tendency to  attach sentiment to shit that makes no sense). I haven't seen any of the other women in their films. I don't have to, and I think everybody knows that now.

Have you ever imagined how some nominees handle losing? Start with the egos. Add the drugs and booze and dodgy sex that those shaky feelings of entitlement lead these people to indulge in. Now think of the dogged determination it takes to remain in the public consciousness. Think of the devastation upon learning that the public - YOUR public! - loves someone else more than they love you. Think of the consequences and the spouses and children and staff. That's right. Get the fuck out of the way.

Have you noticed that they no longer say, "And the winner is..."? They now have to say "And the Award goes to...". Do you know why? Because no child gets left behind. Everyone's a winner, and no one wants these poor little lambs to feel a sense of loss. They have nothing else going for them. This is as good as it gets. Award season is the yard stick by which all other contributions to American culture are measured.

Americans accuse Canadians of having no culture. Our mix of races and cultures and freshness in the world means that we're too young and scatterbrained to appreciate what having a truly distinct culture means. If you're going to keep on about that, you know need to sort some shit out. Your most recent and significant contributions to the world are probably only appreciated by a quarter of your country. The rest are out tanning and planning pilgrimages to New Jersey. You are seriously considering granting a lot of power to Newt Gingrich. I love you, but you have clearly lost your collective fucking mind.

Come back to us.

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This scenario had occurred to me. Actually, despite the country they were visiting, it occurred to me right away. Attempts to murder wives and use the violent social climate of a particular country to pave the way for an alibi have been made before. The whole thing is just awful. I hope she's able to come home soon.

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Joan, you're very fucking funny. Stop this shit.





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* I might lack Stacy Keibler's perspective.